That’s what I want to help you work on today.

Because if you’re reading here, I’m sure you’ve wondered: “Why am I the one who has to do all the work in my relationships?” Or maybe you’ve read countless books and attended even more seminars and workshops to improve your love life.

I feel you. I see you. And I so understand and empathize with the work you’ve put in.

Today I’m here to help you change the only thing you can: how you develop (and protect) your heart and mind from the get-go. And that means recognizing and understanding emotionally unavailable men from the start.

3 Traits to Know About Emotionally Distant Men

1.Emotionally unavailable men can be good men—AND still not be available.

This is an important point to start with, because I want to be clear that we are not demonizing emotionally unavailable men. They’re not all jerks and they don’t all hate love. They could very well just be clear that they don’t want to be in a relationship. Being simultaneously single and “off the market” only means that they are not serious about falling in love at this point—but that doesn’t make them bad guys.

2.Emotionally unavailable men can have positive traits too.

And you need to ignore them. Yes, they can be charming and sensitive and great communicators too—but if they don’t want to be your boyfriend, none of those qualities matter! (And, by the way, there are emotionally available men who have positive qualities, too!) With the emotionally unavailable sort, you need to ignore the positives and believe the negative traits for what they are: an indication that there is no long-term romantic future with this person.

3.Emotionally unavailable men aren’t the only ones at fault.

It’s not hard to spot an emotionally unavailable man: they’re non-committal and they go silent whenever they want. And sure, that behavior is on them, but it’s also your responsibility to read the signs. And furthermore, many men will be very honest and explicit about their intentions in dating you—they will say honestly that they’re not looking for a relationship. It’s your responsibility to take them at their word and not assume that you can “change their mind.” Respect their choice and their forthrightness and move on.

* * *

It’s not in your power to change an emotionally unavailable man; he has to be inspired to do that on his own. But you can focus on what is in your control: your tolerance for his lack of devotion or commitment.

Start by paying attention to his actions:

• If he is not not claiming you as his girlfriend . . .
• If there are substantial periods of silence in between dates . . .
• If he actually said: “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” . . .

. . . then he is unavailable. No matter how nice, attractive, successful, or funny he is—he is emotionally unavailable and you’re wasting your time.

But you don’t have to. Keep your heart open—but keep your eyes open too. Look for these signs and cut your losses when you see them.

You deserve to be in a fulfilling partnership where you’re both available for long-term love.

I’m talking to a client who has recently broken up with an amazing guy who worshiped the ground she floated over.

“Why did you walk away from him?”

“I don’t know, ” she said mystified and withdrawn.

“Could it be because you were afraid of having what you wanted?”  I offered.

Lightbulb.

Yes, that’s it.

Self sabotage is a bitch.
And she’ll cost you.

We reach for self sabotage when we fear our own empowerment.

Why?

Why?
Change can = pain.

So why push forward any.way. you can?
Because it’s worth it.

Know with every fiber of your being that what you want the most: the relationship, the career, the body, the chance– all lie on the other side of your willingness to change.

1. Analyze your motivations; get curious.
   
2. Why are you afraid to have what you want most?
   
3. Why are you NOT leaning in?
   
4. Curiosity packs the power to move you forward.
   
5. Let it.

Refuse and the long term pain of  sabotage has the potential to dismantle you. To rob you of who you seek to be;  of where you aspire to ascend to.

Self-sabotage will snatch from your clutches:

• relationships
• excellence
• carerrs
• progress
• body
• purpose
• confidence
• home
• curiosity
• dedication
• clarity
• cash flow
• kindness
• equilibrium
• communication
• aspiration
• commitment
• regard
• connection

How to stop self-sabotage in it’s tracks:

1. When you feel yourself edging out of your comfort zone (and then panicking and wanting to return to The Known), take a deep breath and remember: you’re not going to die.
2. When you find yourself engaging in sabotaging behavior – dating ‘Bad Boys,’ skipping the gym, missing deadlines, not returning the call, email, text – ask yourself “Is this getting me closer to where I want to go?”
3. When you’re avoiding The Hard Work you have to do to get where you want to go – the tough conversations, the long hours, the early morning workouts – say “I love myself enough to do this.”
4. Shelve your fear, loosen your shackles and desire a life of satisfaction
   more than you begrudge change; more than the pain of discovery
   and the responsibility of awareness.
5. And then act.

And it’s a bloody mess.
I’m convinced there should be a firm rule when it comes to dating: If it’s not hell yes, then it’s hell no!

I speak to countless women who have so much to offer the right partner but are in some paralyzed state of: waiting for him to decide if he wants to marry her, waiting for him to decide if he wants to get married at all, waiting for him to decide if he wants to be exclusive, waiting for him to get his career together because he said once he does he’ll then be in a better place to decide what to do about their relationship. He won’t commit to the trip, to moving in together, to introducing her to his parents, to a date Saturday night.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

And I’m talking about wayyyyy beyond a sensible time frame for waiting. I’m not unreasonable–I understand that it takes time to grow into relationship with one another, to discover intentions, preferences, likes, dislikes, boundaries and aspirations but there comes a precipice where we take one big leap out of appropriate compromise and into numbing self-sacrifice. We know that point. We’ll deny it at first. But we do, don’t we? We know we have abandoned ourselves but we don’t want to admit it because if we did we would be forced to honor what is in integrity for us and leave the relationship. And then what?, we say to ourselves, start over?

Yes! Yes, I say–start over! I promise that starting over, although scary, will be less painful than being with a partner who doesn’t want or is incapable of (sort of the same thing) giving you what you know you want. Choose the short term pain up front rather than the long term pain of disappointment in him and self inflicted shame.

Spirited soul, drop the scarcity mentality. There are 7 billion people living on the planet–one of them will like you. It’s not a quantity problem—it’s a sorting problem.  How quickly can you sort through the possibilities? Seth Godin expressed in his bestselling book The Dip: “Quit the wrong stuff. Stick with the right stuff. Have the guts to do one or the other.” This was stated in the context of business and career but I think it applies to relationship as well.  Don’t you?

Be with the partner who is sure they want to be with you. (And vice versa). Who wants what you have to offer and wants to give you what you want.

Because you deserve what you want. And (the right) someone out there wants to give it to you.

But it’s not just organizations that need solid leaders. The most powerful place from which to lead is actually your own life.

When’s the last time you felt fully in control of your life—on top of your to-do’s, aligned with your goals, fulfilled in every area of life that’s most important to you?

This question isn’t meant to make you feel bad; it’s not easy (and not necessarily realistic) for you to be firing on all cylinders at all times. But it is important to remember that YOU are the one in control. This is your life, and you are in charge of making sure that it runs smoothly according to your own standards.

If you find yourself wondering how to get your life together and/or think you may still have a bit of work to do—and we all do at one point or another—these tips will help you in becoming the leader and taking control of your own life.

“5 Ways to Confidently Regain Control & “Get Your Life Together”

1. Set goals & dream bigger.

All great leaders set goals. They identify the milestones they want to reach, then create specific, actionable goals that will help them get there. Whether you’re leading a major corporation or leading your (even more majorly important!) life, you need to look into the future and decide where you want to go—then figure out how you’ll get there.

Set goals for yourself, based on where you want to be in six months, a year, and five years from now. And while it’s important to set goals that are fairly realistic, I also encourage you to dream big! Don’t limit yourself by what you’ve accomplished in the past. Stretch yourself a little bit further, allowing room for your inevitable growth. I think you’ll be amazed at the goals you can reach with a little clarity and the right steps to take!

2. Feel the fear but be courageous.

All great leaders have courage. That doesn’t mean they aren’t afraid of things, however. No, being courageous means that they have learned to overcome their fear and take big risks anyway.

Courage is a valuable skill to develop in your own life, too. Become more aware of the things that scare you—do you want to quit your job and start your own business? Do you want to ask the cute girl at the coffee shop on a date? Do you want to end a relationship that has lived long past its expiration date?

Whatever it is that may be scaring you—if it needs to be done, I encourage you to shore up the courage and do it! Once again, this is your life; no one will do the hard stuff for you. Lead with courage.

3. Learn from your mistakes (& forgive yourself).

All great leaders learn from their mistakes—because, let’s be honest, nobody is perfect. Even the most well-respected leaders in the world have fumbled, misspoken, and made errors in judgment.

What separates the great leaders from every other imperfect human is how they learned from and addressed their mistakes. And that’s another important point to remember—in your hopefully long, expansive life, you will likely mess up. Over and over and over again.

But it’s not the mess that defines you—it’s how you clean it up. Don’t berate yourself for making a mistake; take a step back, learn the lesson, and fix the mistake.

4. Maintain a student mindset.

All great leaders keep learning. They know that they don’t know it all, that they can’t know it all. If you want to become the leader of your own life, you should know that too.

Continue to read books, attend workshops, and take classes. Surround yourself with people who teach you, challenge you, and make you grow. Seek out information on new topics and continue asking questions.

There is so much information to be learned in this world—so much more than we’re even consciously aware of in this moment! Stay curious and learn as much as you teach.

5. Recognize and honor who you are.

All great leaders have self-respect. They know themselves intimately—through regular practices of self-awareness and self-reflection—and they honor their innate goodness, despite life’s challenges.

In order to be a truly great leader in your own life, you have to remember who you are (and who we all are) at your core: You are love. That may sound cheesy to you, but it’s true. And the sooner you recognize and honor that, the sooner you will find full trust in your own skills, capabilities, decisions—the sooner you will become the true leader of your own life.

And you could probably imagine a number of reasons why that may be true:

• Every man I meet online is a loser, a liar, or a cheat.
  
• Men are intimidated by my success.
  
• There are no good men left!

All of that dating disappointment can take a toll; it’s understandable why you may feel like giving up.

But I hope you won’t. And here’s why: You’re not alone. And you haven’t got it all right, especially when it comes to successful online dating.

The problem with black-or-white statements—“There are no good men left!”—is that they are based on emotion, not logic. While sometimes partially true, they’re never wholly true. And they don’t have to be true for you!

• Not all men cheat.
  
• Not all men are intimidated by success.
  
• And there are plenty of great, single men out there.

And you can find one of those great men online.

Despite some early stigma, online dating is not only socially acceptable, it’s now a prevalent, popular way for men and women to meet their future partners:

• :: 40 million Americans use online dating
• :: 52.4% of online dating users are men
• :: 30% of all married couples met online

You greatly increase your chances of meeting your soulmate if you too are willing to give online dating a try.

Of course, as you probably already know, online dating isn’t the whole answer. You may have even tried it already and had just as much success—or lack thereof—as you have meeting someone in person.

That’s because the way you meet your soulmate doesn’t matter. If you haven’t yet found a great man online (or anywhere else), it’s not the dating apps that need to change, it’s not other people who need to change, it’s not even you who needs to change.

As I often say, it’s all in your head. Or rather, in your mind.

The key to successfully dating online is changing your mindset.

I call this successful mindset “Long-Term Optimism”. Sure, the odds that the man you swipe right on will probably not be your future husband. (Though, who knows?!)

But if you keep on dating, celebrating your wins and learning from your fails, making healthier and more empowered choices—well, the chances that you’ll eventually fall in love and get married are very, VERY high.

(And research backs that up!)

That’s not to say you shouldn’t be positive in the short-term either—just keep your short-term dating expectations “cautiously optimistic”. As long as you remember that 99% of the guys you meet are not going to be your husband, then you won’t get so upset and or be sidelined when 99% of your dates don’t work out.

At the same time, keep your long-term expectations for love radically high!
Practice saying this mantra daily for confidence:
“Finding love is 100% going to happen for me. It’s not if … it’s WHEN!”

In the short and long-term, keep your mindset realistic (remembering that black-or-white thinking is anything but!) and positive:

• Yes, some men lie and cheat, but just as many (if not more) are honest and faithful.
• Yes, there are many successful women that struggle in love, but many more find themselves in loving, long-term partnerships.  
• Yes, online dating (and eventually marriage!) can be challenging, but millions of people make it work.

Whether you find your partner online or not, commit to finding and creating an experience of real love in (and for) the long-term in your mind now. Because finding radiant love is 100% going to happen for you—it’s not “if” …it’s when.

Dear TiLa,

I moved to a new city last fall with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and everything seemed to change. We slowly started to grow apart and I decided I wanted different things out of life. So just a couple of weeks ago (after about 5 months of us both being quite unhappy) I made the decision to end things.

While the initial conversation went really well, the next couple days were kind of crazy. He started snooping through my email and generally acting strange. I went on vacation for a week and came back to our apartment to  to find out he’d gone on five dates while I was gone. While I wasn’t angry I was quite taken aback by it. He said he was just trying to be honest with me.

We’re still living together and he’s supposed to move out by the first but he still hasn’t signed a lease or started packing. He’s still all kissy kissy with me and I don’t know what to do about it. A part of me just wants to keep the peace for now and roll with it; I know we will always be good friends and we’ll see each other fairly often. This is a phase we need to get through, right? But I just want to move on! What should I do?

xoxo,
Stressed in Hollywood

Hello,

Thank you for writing in.

Although the initial break-up went well, it seems he is struggling with change, and has taken a turn for the lazier! Perhaps he is looking to distract himself from reality. A reality that is full of loss. He just lost his girlfriend, his apartment, and the life he created for himself with you in Los Angeles.

Instead of actively dealing with this change he is distracting himself by dating, ignoring a looming apartment search, and disrespecting your physical and emotional boundaries.

Boundaries for Moving on After a Breakup

He needs to move out.

It’s only natural that he will want to begin dating other women, but NOT while you are living together. Even IF he did sneak a date, you do not need to know about it. His “honesty” has gotten confused with kindness. It is not kind. It is cruel. It completely disregards and disrespects your past relationship and hopefully your amicable future one.

He needs to properly exit this relationship with you before he gets to have a new one with someone else.

What to do After a Breakup

I understand your natural instinct is to “keep the peace.” However, you can’t forget your own needs during this process.

Questions to Determine Heart-Centered Boundaries:

1. Have you considered that you are doing yourself a disservice?
2. Who are you being that you are a woman who is available to wishy washy boundaries?
3. While trying to give him the understanding and patience he needs, perhaps you’re ignoring what you need?
4. Speaking of—what do YOU need from him and the situation in order to end on a high note?

Carve out some quiet time to affirm what you really want, what is healthy for not just him, but BOTH of you during this breakup…and then schedule a new sit-down together.

Set respectful, clear boundaries and ask for what you want. Declare what you need.

We are women who are devoted to radiant living where we lead from our intuitive heart, know who we are, and live our lives congruent with that truth.

You know your truth.

The relationship is over. I’m not suggesting you are ruthless and throw his belongings out the window…but I am encouraging you to anchor into your heart’s truth, and lovingly-but-firmly hold those boundaries and guide yourself and him to respect them.

With Love,

TiLa

But lately, the relationship is hitting the skids and getting through an average day feels like wading through knee-deep Mississippi mud.

You thought you’d found “the one,” but recently you’ve been left second guessing. How can you tell when your relationship has gone on too long?  I’ve outlined four sure-fire ways to knowing  when it’s time to hit the road.

1: You want different things from life. Or you are at different points in life

Many say relationships are all about work + compromise. And you know what? You can expect negotiation – to a point.  It is A-OK to negotiate on the color of the dining room wall, which movie to see on Friday night or who’s going to fold the laundry.  But it’s a whole different ball game when it comes to more significant matters such as: a home in the suburbs or condo in the city, children or no children, the “when” of marriage and children or how money should be spent or saved.

If you and your man are on opposite sides of the spectrum on these topics or the timing of these issues –  you will probably be unhappy if you stay together.

I emphasize timing because often both partners can want similar things but have very different time frames for them. For example, she might be thinking she wants to be in a relationship that leads to marriage in the next 18 months while he is thinking he wants to be in a relationship that leads to marriage in five years.

Don’t let the fear of possibly being single prevent you from hashing these matters out early on. It’s a proven fact that relationships have higher success rate with couples who share similar values and goals.

Make sure the odds are in your favor.

2: When you find yourselves arguing over the same heated topics

You can love someone + still not be suitable life partners.

If you’ve broken up and rekindled the romance 9 times and you’re still having the same gut-wrenching, insomnia-inducing fights, OR slightly different versions of the same problem AND! you have exhausted therapy + every self-help book, CD and relationship seminar under the God-given sun…it’s probably best to end the relationship.

Seriously.
You must be exhausted.

Promising each other that “you will work on it” and actually taking action by changing behavior+ demeanor are two different things.  One is empty words; the other is true commitment + growth.

3: You don’t trust him.

You can’t place your finger on it but something seems off with him.  Suspicious.  Suspect.  Does the fear of being alone or the pain of a potentially unsettling reality cause you to  dismiss your gut instinct?  “I’m sure it’s fine,” you tell yourself.  “I’m just overreacting, again.”

Your intuitions are the most effective radar system you have.
A women’s intuition will tell her something is wrong long before it can be intellectualized or articulated.

Don’t brush off an intense gut reaction. Be willing to investigate. Pay it some attention.

Is it really an overreaction or are you afraid of what may be on the other side of the suspicion?

One of the best things about being in a relationship is that you have someone you can fully trust in.  Do you trust him with your emotions? When you’re upset, does he acknowledge your emotional state and respond to it with concern + thoughtfulness?  Or is there a shrug of apathy? Do you trust him him to be mindful and honor finances, material belongings + your shared loyalty?  Or are you possessed by curiosity + driven to check his snail mail, email, Facebook + Twitter accounts?

4: When your self-esteem is under attack.

You want to be with a partner who knows you are not perfect but treats you like you are.

Being in love should enhance your sense of openness and receptivity.  It should plug you into an electric current of bright energy + acceptance.  Are you  feeling MORE self-conscious because of the way he treats or doesn’t treat you? You don’t need to be in a relationship so much that you need to sacrifice your sense of self.

In the end, the relationship you have with yourself is more crucial than the relationship you have with him.

Any and all of the above scenarios have the ability to hold you back. Your extended participation in them is an indication you are ignoring your needs. Consequently, you freeze in the face of fear + the unknown of singledom.  We tell ourselves it’s not that bad or that things will get better INSTEAD OF making a painful but positive change.

If you want sleepless nights, pounding headaches, shallow breaths, loneliness + limitation than you will continue to accept the above.

We stress about work.

About bills.

About love (or our lack thereof).

We stress about those things we can control and those things we cannot. Stress, it seems, is a natural part of human life—but it doesn’t have to run your life. It doesn’t need to be enduring. We don’t have to just sit back and take it.

When you feel stress creeping into your life, there are steps you can take to come back to normal, to equilibrium, to peace. And they can be affordable, too! (Because getting a massage once a week isn’t always the most cost-effective solution!).

How to Calm Down (5 Free Ideas!)

1. Socialize Mindfully

Depending on your nature (extroverted, introverted, or somewhere in between), socializing can cause or reduce stress to varying degrees. But most agree that spending time with the right people is an energizing, rejuvenating experience.

If you fill your time and your mind with the company and conversation of people who nourish rather than drain you, you’re likely to feel better after seeing them. So take a careful look at your calendar and really consider what you’re saying “yes” to when you accept that next dinner invite.

2. Visualize Frequently

Visualization is a powerful process. When in a state of stress, try visualizing the way you’d rather feel: Perhaps you’d like to feel free, empowered, compassionate, peaceful? Visualize the state you desire, and watch as your mind and body begin to move into that state now.

Of course, visualizing won’t erase that looming deadline or bring your soulmate to your doorstep (or maybe it will, who knows?), but it will change your state—mentally, physically, emotionally—today so that you can start experiencing the feelings you’d rather have instead.

3. Breathe Deeply

It always comes back to the breath, doesn’t it? Your breath is your saving grace—literally. It keeps you alive!

But so often we restrict it, even if unconsciously. When we’re stressed, nervous or anxious, we hold our breath or breathe in short, shallow bursts. Make a mental note to yourself to breathe when you find yourself feeling stressed. Stop what you’re doing and breathe deeply—in through your nose, out through your mouth—for as long as you need to.

Not only will you find that your heart rate slows and the chatter of your mind tends to cease, you’ll also likely find greater clarity around whatever was vexing you and a newfound motivation to solve your stressors.

4. Exercise Daily

Without movement, stress lingers in the body. It hangs around far longer than it needs to—unless you take the (physical) steps to clear it out of your body.

The next time you’re stressed, try going for a run, doing some yoga, signing up for a spin class or simply taking a walk around the block. When you get your body moving, the stress can move through you, too.

Even better, make a daily habit of exercise so that stress never has the opportunity to stick around longer than necessary.

5. Bathe Indulgently

And when all else fails (though I promise the tips above won’t!), treat yourself. When the stress won’t abate, allow yourself the time and space to luxuriate.

You don’t need to head to the fanciest spa—though you’re welcome to! You can create a stress-free, relaxed, indulgent experience right from the comfort of your own bathtub. Water is healing and restorative, too. Just by spending some time submerged in the bath, you’ll come out feeling cleaner and fresher in body, mind, and spirit.

What is your favorite way to destress (for free)? Share your tips with us in the comments below!

But before I get into that, I want to share something that’s a little personal:

Love did not come easily to me.

Sure, I am a smart, ambitious, successful woman.
Yes, I am now with a wonderful man.
And true, I am a catch! 

But it hasn’t always been that way—or rather, I didn’t always feel successful or like a catch or like I’d find a man like Him.

I ended up in a relationship with the “wrong” men.
I cried over glasses of wine with my girlfriends.
I had my heart broken and broke a few, too.

And I spent more years than I’d like to admit feeling frustrated, sad, and wondering, “where have all the GOOD men gone?”
I wasn’t sure if it were even possible for me to have the love I so desired.

But that’s not my truth anymore—because I figured out the “love blocks” that were keeping my perfect partner away, and I learned how to clear them out and call him in.

And now, I want to share those secrets with you.

Believe me when I say that if I could go back in time and hear these secrets sooner . . .

. . . if I could learn how to identify the beliefs that blocked love from me,
. . . if I could figure out how to consciously attract a flow of quality, relationship-minded men,
. . . if I could call him in even sooner,

. . . I definitely would!

But I also know that I had my specific journey for a reason—one of which is to learn the secrets to becoming a magnet for love and teaching those secrets to you!

Today, I have an incredible relationship with a wonderful man—
a man who encourages me,
supports me,
and helps me grow.

And I want to show you how to find the same forever love!

You will learn how to become a MAGNET for love—and FAST. More specifically, you’ll learn the four secrets I used (and now my clients use!) to clear my “love blocks” and call in the love of my life.

Want to join me? 

During this, you’ll discover…

• The REAL reason why you can’t find a “good man”, even though you’re doing “the work”
• How to release hidden beliefs about love that are unknowingly BLOCKING you from it
• How to quickly and consciously attract a flow of quality, relationship-minded men who have the qualities and chemistry you’re looking for

Wherever you are in your journey, love, I want to assure you that I see you, I get it, and this is just the beginning for you—and the love of your life! Join me today to gain access to the secrets I learned and the work I did to stop sabotaging the love I really wanted and start calling in my one.

I can’t wait to help you do the same. So what are you waiting for, Get in contact with me.

I get that feeling. Truly, I do. When you’ve been wronged or betrayed or hurt, it can take months—sometimes years—before you feel ready to forgive and move on.

The problem is that being unforgiving harms you far more than it harms the person who hurt you. Holding on to anger, resentment, and a sense of betrayal permeates every part of your life—from your health to the success of future relationships.

Thankfully, you don’t need to feel ready to forgive. Forgiveness is a deliberate act. You can be proactive about it, even if you don’t feel ready to offer it up just yet.

Many think that we have to wait until our hurt and angry feelings are resolved before we can forgive someone. But that’s just not the case: deciding to forgive is exactly that—a decision. And it’s one that you can make at any time in service of your own healing and growth.

Forgiveness is a decision that restores possibility and wholeness to your life.

It doesn’t mean you condone hurtful actions or agree with bad behavior; it doesn’t even necessarily mean that you’re inviting the person who hurt you back into your life. (More often than not, that’s not a wise thing to do anyway.)

Forgiveness means that you are willing to cancel the debt you feel someone owes to you; to surrender the hurt that you feel and make peace with letting that go. It means you are taking back your personal power and moving on.

So once you’ve decided to forgive—whether you feel ready to or not—how do you actually do it? There are three simple steps I follow to proactively kickstart the forgiveness process, and I’ve shared them with you below.

3 SIMPLE STEPS FOR HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE FASTER

1. Let Go of Your Anger

It can be tempting to hold onto our anger. Sometimes we feel we deserve to feel angry. Sometimes we feel our anger is a justifiable way to “punish” the offending party. And sometimes we hang on to our anger simply because we believe it’s our last connection to the person who hurt us, and letting go of that would open up what can feel like a deep empty void.

I’m not arguing that these feelings are invalid. Anger is a powerful, and often healthy, emotion. But anger is only healthy when it’s fully felt . . . and then let go.

Letting go of your anger won’t create emptiness; intentionally or unintentionally holding onto it creates even more emptiness and blocks the possibility of new relationships and new opportunities coming into your life. On the contrary, letting go of your anger will restore your vitality. It will restore your trust. It will restore your personal power.

2. Learn to Accept What Is

Replace that anger with acceptance. And there is much to accept when you decide to forgive.

You are accepting the loss: of your relationship to that person, of your anger, of the sense of justice you rightly deserve. You are accepting the amount of time you may have invested into a person or project, you are accepting that they may never truly understand how much they’ve hurt you, and you are accepting a situation that just isn’t fair. And, perhaps most importantly, you are accepting full responsibility for how you—and you alone— have caused the pain you are in.

It is often the hardest to accept that no one can truly hurt us; just as with forgiveness, our reactions (anger, sadness, revenge) are always ours to choose. And that can be the hardest—but most necessary—truth to accept.

The value of this acceptance though is monumental: when we learn to accept what is—including our own role in a painful situation—we grow wiser and stronger as a result. 

3. Forgive Yourself Too

An important, but often overlooked, part of the forgiveness equation is remembering to forgive yourself too.

In most situations where we’re wronged, it’s easy to focus on how we might have prevented it: by paying attention to the red flags or by being courageous enough to speak the truth about what we needed.

After accepting the role we’ve played (and the feelings we’ve harbored) in every situation in our life, it’s also important to make amends with ourselves too. Look at what you wished you would have done differently, and allow it to be a lesson.

Forgive yourself for not always getting it right. 

Know that you can trust yourself moving forward—to choose better, to speak up, to love again. And know that you deserve all of that too.

The reality is that, in this human experience, we will all hurt and be hurt by others. Many times over, we will be on the giving and the receiving end of forgiveness. (Hopefully.)

By learning how to forgive quickly and truly, you open yourself up to more energy, better relationships, deep healing, and exponential growth.

And who doesn’t want more of that?

Once you know that things have gotten a bit stale, you can put in the “work” (it’s fun, I promise!) to revive the love that brought you together in the first place.

Here are 10 fun and unique ideas for refreshing your romantic relationship:

• Do Daily “Good Feeling” Deposits

You know those things you say or do that make you feel good, like complimenting a stranger on their haircut or buying a cup of coffee for the person behind you in line? You’re doing good for someone else, but it makes you feel good, too. Try those out on your partner every day! Surprise them with their favorite latte or compliment their appearance before they leave for work. They feel good and you feel good—it’s a win-win.

• Share a Shared Vision Date Night

Date nights are important—most of us know that—but what if you planned one specifically to share (or revisit) your individual visions for your relationship and your shared vision together? Share how you envision your relationship growing, evolving, expanding—and how you hope to continue to grow together.

• Schedule Some Space

Just as important as scheduling time to spend together is scheduling time to spend apart. Not only will this allow you to reflect and vision and do fun activities you only want to do solo; it’ll also give you the opportunity to miss your partner and reflect on what you love so much about being with them (that you might otherwise take for granted).

• Write Love Letters

Don’t you just love getting snail mail? Your partner likely does, too! Get old-fashioned and start writing love letters to the love of your life. You can write them one on the bathroom mirror every day or write one once a week that you actually pop in the mail (even if you live together!).

• Create a Partner-Focused Gratitude Practice

Most of us are aware of the value of gratitude. It makes us happier, more energetic, and more forgiving, amongst many other things. So what if you created a practice solely around the gratitude you feel for your partner? What do you appreciate, admire, love and cherish about them? Just thinking about this every day will be valuable, but feel free to share at least one thing with them, too!

• Plan a Re-Commitment Trip, Ceremony, or Party

This can be as big or as small as you’d like for it to be! The point is that you both focus on the commitment you made to one another—whether it be days, months, or years before now—and re-commit to each other, knowing what you know now about yourself, about your partner, and about your relationship to one another. Share your thoughts on this with each other, and celebrate this re-commitment in whatever way feels right to the both of you!

• Have Sex

Sure, you’ve probably heard this tip a time or two—but that’s because it’s important! And just because you’re hearing it doesn’t mean you’re doing it. There’s no “right” or “wrong” amount of sex for each individual couple, but there’s no avoiding the fact that having it—any of it!—will revive any relationship! So just do it. Tonight. You (and your partner) will thank me later.

• Listen Actively

Have conversations with and ask questions of your partner that spark true, deep discussion. Your question can be as simple as “How was your day?”, but set the intention that you will only listen—don’t jump in with comments, questions, advice. Shut down all distractions—including those that you often provide—and plan to truly listen to what they have to say.

• Plan a “Team” Activity

Make weekly plans to do something together—just the two of you. Date nights are great, but it doesn’t need to be extravagant. It might be as simple as cooking tonight’s meal together. Whatever you choose to do, tackle it as a team—leaning on and supporting one another through it, much as you need to do in your relationship.

• Ask Them What They Want

I could give you 10 more tips for refreshing and reviving your relationship, but there will always be one person who knows even better than me what will revitalize it best—the one you’re with! Ask your partner what they want. What do they want to do? Experience? Feel? And ask yourself those same questions, too! Then go do those things. Today!